by Mike, AllHabs.net

The scene opens to show the familiar setting of a Montreal Canadiens press conference. Geoff Molson, Pierre Gauthier and Jacques Martin are on the dais smiling at the slew of reporters at their feet.

Dozens of flashbulbs are going off as the team’s owner continues to speak.

Geoff Molson: So to conclude this hour long press conference that could have taken five minutes, we’re yet again proud to announce that we will be filming a season-long documentary chronicling the Montreal Canadiens as they experience the trials and tribulations of a typical NHL season.

Reporter that may or may not be Dave Stubbs: That’s very interesting, does this have anything to do with the fact that your son has decided to become a documentary film maker?

Geoff Molson: …..No further questions please.

*cut to opening credits*

*cuts to the Habs training facility on Brossard*

The scene opens to show the Canadiens dressing room in their practice facility in Brossard.

Players are getting ready for their morning skate on the eve of their tilt with the Tampa Bay Lightning. We can see Mike Cammalleri tying his skates, Josh Gorges taping his stick, Carey Price stretching etc.

All of a sudden, a disturbance occurs.

Hal Gill: Okay, who put mayo in my skates!

Nobody responds, the camera pans to Scott Gomez snickering slightly.

Hal Gill: Seriously guys, it stopped being funny after the fourth time.

Andrei Kostitsyn: No, it steel funny.

Maxim Lapierre: I agree with whatever Kostitsyn we didn’t trade.

Hal Gill: It’s not funny! All I want to do is go skate and be really tall and stuff and now I have to wash my feet and smell like mayo all day!

Scott Gomez: What’s wrong with that?

*cuts to talking head*

Scott Gomez: I didn’t do it; I’m more of a ‘Hockey tape on the blades’ kind of guy.

*Cuts to another talking head*

P.K. Subban: I totally did it.

*cuts back to scene*

P.K. Subban: Don’t worry Hal, it’s Light Mayo, it won’t make your feet any fatter than they already are.

*Everyone laughs, Jacques Martin walks into the room*

Jacques Martin: Hal, what did I tell you about smelling like mayo?

P.K. Subban: LIGHT mayo.

*The scene cuts to a hallway just outside the rink in the Habs’ training facility in Brossard. Some players are out on the ice while Brian Gionta and Mike Cammalleri are having a conversation.*

Mike Cammalleri: Seriously man, congrats on the captaincy…you deserve it.

Brian Gionta: Thanks Mike, you know I think you deserve it too, but I don’t think you need a letter to lead.

Mike Cammalleri: Everyone keeps telling me that…but if I’m such a great leader…why not give me a letter?

Brian Gionta: I wouldn’t stress too much about it Mike. You know how valuable you are to the team.

Mike Cammalleri: I know I know I’m just  saying…I score, I fist pump, I’m really good looking…why not me?

Brian Gionta: I don’t know man.

Mike Cammalleri: Yeah, don’t worry about it.

Brian Gionta: Look Mike-

Mike Cammalleri: It’s fine Brian it’s fine, by the way…for reasons that have nothing to do with this conversation…what are you allergic to?

Brian Gionta: What? Why?

Mike Cammalleri: Ahhh nevermind, let’s get out there.

*cuts to talking head*

Mike Cammalleri: You’re damn right I should have been Captain. Gionta is a good choice but I am the face of this franchise. My only option is to eliminate him.

Current plan?

To try and make him eat something he is allergic to. I don’t know what that is yet. We’ll see how it goes!

*Cuts back to scene, the two skate on the ice where the whole team is converged at center ice*

Jacques Martin: Alright boys, home opener against the Lightning tomorrow. It’s a big game against the usual suspects Lecavalier, St Louis and Stamkos but they have a few wild-cards up their sleeve as well.

Tomas Plekanec: You mean Guy Boucher?

Jacques Martin: Who?

Tomas Plekanec: Guy Boucher, the coach of the Lightning, used to be the coach of the Bulldogs…was supposed to be the next Habs coach but he opted to sign with them instead of re-signing here?

Jacques Martin: That’s not a real thing.

Travis Moen: *whispering to Plekanec* dude shut up…remember what happened during camp?

*cuts to a similar scene two weeks earlier at Habs main camp*

Ryan White: So Jacques, happy to be back?

Jacques Martin: Yeah…why wouldn’t I be?

Ryan White: Well… a lot of people thought Guy Boucher was going to take over your job.

Jacques Martin: What’s your name kid?

Ryan White: Ryan White.

Jacques Martin: Yeah…you’re cut.

*cuts back to present day*

Tomas Plekanec: *snaps into reality with a look of realization on his face* Your hair is so angular today Jacques, it looks awesome!

Jacques Martin: Oh wow thanks! I try.

Benoit Pouliot: Yeah Jacques, you look so Acute!

*everyone stares*

P.K. Subban: Can we cut you yet?

Josh Gorges: Waaa Waaaaaaaaaaaa

Jacques Martin: 4^th line.

Lars Eller: Sweet.

Benoit Pouliot: Come on guys…stop being so Obtuse!

Jacques Martin: Healthy scratch

Mathieu Darche: Sweet!

Hal Gill: *coming from off the ice* OK guys, I FINALLY got all the mayo out of my skates, I’m ready to practice!

Gill runs onto the rink, the second his skate touches the ice he falls flat on his face to a chorus of laughter. Gill reaches for his skates and pulls off a strip of Hockey tape.

*Cute to talking head*

Scott Gomez: I couldn’t resist

*Scene fades*

The scene re-opens to show the Canadiens in the gym following their game-day skate. Various players are on the stationary bikes, a few players are doing push-ups etc.

Mike Cammalleri approaches Brian Gionta, who is using some free weights

Mike Cammalleri: Hey Brian, how’s it going?

Brian Gionta: Not bad Mike, working out…

Mike Cammalleri: Awesome, Awesome…anyways I just wanted to tell you that I’m really embarrassed about the way I acted before and wanted to make it up to you.

Brian Gionta: Oh, that’s really not necessary…

Mike Cammaller: Oh but it is, here, I made you this plate full of peanuts.

Brian Gionta: Um…OK…

Mike Cammalleri: You don’t look too great, here have some Penicillin!

Brian Gionta: I feel fine actually I-

Mike Cammalleri: Oh no! watch out! Bees!

Cammalleri opens a jar containing a dead Bee.

Mike Cammalleri: I knew I should have put an air hole in the jar.

*Scene fades*

*cuts to talking head*

Jacques Martin: Yeah I’m really happy about this documentary, it will give our fans around the world a chance to see the real Montreal Canadiens, the boys are a lot taller in person and I think you’ll find that I am way more charismatic than a plank of wood as the people on the twitter so often suggest. We went really far into the playoffs last year, I’m going to stick with the same game plan that got us that far: Let Halak stop everything and see if you can get lucky in the offensive zone.

*something inaudible is heard off camera*

Jacques Martin: Wait…who got traded?

*Cut to Bell Centre locker room*

Vague U2/Coldplay/Gnarles Barkley song can be heard in the background. Players can be seen pumping themselves up and getting ready for game time.

Carey Price is talking to someone out of shot

Carey Price: You’re going to be fine out there man…I know it’s your first game in front of them in a while…and then last time you played in a game that mattered it didn’t go so well…and you took that really bad penalty…and yes that goal was your fault…and yes called the fans a bunch of *beep beeeeeeep* after the game….but that’s all in the past now buddy! It’s a new season and the slate is clean, you played pretty well in the first two games and the fans aren’t riding you anymore so get out there and play like a champion!

The camera pans backwards to reveal that Price is talking to himself in the mirror.

Josh Gorges: Come on Pricey, it’s time

Carey Price: You’re also really good looking

He winks at himself and gets up to join his team

End credits roll!

(Photo by Allen McInnis, The Gazette)