by Mike, AllHabs.net

Who shot Pierre Gauthier? Part I of III

Opening credits roll

The scene opens showing the entire Montreal Canadiens roster spread out along the blue line of the Bell Sports Complex in Brossard with one of those cool aerial views from those Bell commercials. You can’t tell who is who, but if you’re a huge hockey fan you’re probably telling your friends that you know who they are despite only being able to see their helmets and shoulders from above.

In front of the team is one man in a track suit. The camera moves down to ice level and it is revealed that this man is none other than the beloved General Manager of the Montreal Canadiens: Pierre Gauthier.

He is standing in front of the entire team with a smug grin on his face and laced up with a pair of brand new skates. The team is eying him wearily, as if they have no idea why they are there.

Mike Cammalleri: I have no idea why I’m here.

Tommy Pyatt: Me neither.

Mike Cammalleri: Well that’s a given.

P.K. Subban: HIIIIIOOOOOOOOOO!!

Jaroslav Spacek: You just got deserved!

Josh Gorges: You mean ‘served’.

Jaroslav Spacek: Wha?

Josh Gorges: You said ‘You got deserved’ but you mean ‘you got served’…

Jaroslav Spacek: No…you got deserved…I thought it was a common expression.

Lars Eller: Maybe in the stone age.

Scott Gomez: HA!

Jaroslav Spacek: Shut up rookie! Come talk to me when you have a goal!

Lars Eller: At least I don’t need medical assistance to pleasure a woman!

Jaroslav Spacek: If I wasn’t pooping myself right now I would come over there and teach you some manners!

Pierre Gauthier: ENOUGH!

Rest of team: GASP!

Pierre Gauthier: Now, I’m betting all of you are wondering why you’re all here.

Brian Gionta: In our defense each of us received a phone call at exactly 3 AM. All we heard was some raspy breathing and that we should come to the rink immediately.

Scott Gomez: Yeah that was weird.

Pierre Gauthier: Yeah it was me…sorry to frighten you bu-

Travis Moen: You called all of us at the same time?

Pierre Gauthier: Yeah from my phone room.

*Blank stares*

Pierre Gauthier: You don’t have a room filled with 47 phones? What do you do with your millions and millions of extra dollars?

Andrei Kostitsyn: Pay off the Mo-

Roman Hamrlik: CHARITY! We give it to charity!

Rest of team: Yeah!

Pierre Gauthier: Well then…ANYWAYS I wanted you all to come in here have a special session with the GM…obviously all of you are in this room because I permit you to be here, you have all been handpicked by me-

Andrei Markov: COUGHBOBGAINEYCOUGH

Pierre Gauthier: Robitussin. You have all been handpicked, by me, to play for the Montreal Canadiens. I see in all of you the qualities necessary to make sure that everyone knows that I am good GM. You guys will probably win a lot of games, because I’m paying you a lot of money to do so, and in return I will look really good and everyone will think I’m awesome.

I traded Halak because you have to take risks! Obviously he was the better choice bu-

Carey Price: HEY!

Pierre Gauthier: Oh come on, everyone knows you’re the worse goalie, it’s all over the internet!

Mike Cammalleri: You’re a little over the line…

Pierre Gauthier: Oh come on! You of all people should be thanking me! I saved you from Calgary…CALGARY!

P.K. Subban: Dude…not cool…

Pierre Gauthier: Shut up rookie, Richards was right, you need to learn to respect your elders!

*Cuts to talking head*

P.K. Subban: Let me clear this all up. Richards was born a douchebag, but that’s not why he’s pissed at me. Mike Richards loves Punting Kitties. I know, it’s awful…but he wants people to call him PK…PK, Punting Kitties…get it? I’m serious about this! Anyways, now that I’m in the league everyone is calling me PK because it’s my name. He’s pissed that he lost the nickname.

*Cuts back to scene*

Brian Gionta: Woah Pierre easy!

Pierre Gauthier: WHO SAID THAT!? Oh I’m sorry I forgot to look down 7 feet.

Andrei Kostitsyn: GM is tool!

Pierre Gauthier: You can understand me? Wow!

Scott Gomez: I’ve had enough of th-

Pierre Gauthier: Scott can you spare me a few million dollars, I have an overpaid centerman to satisfy.

All of a sudden the sound of a loud slapshot can be heard from off shot. A rifle of a puck hit Gauthier in the face and he crumples to the ground with a loud thud.

All the players stare at him in shock, all of them with their sticks in hand.

Hal Gill: Well…should we call an ambulance?

Brian Gionta: No rush.

Mike Cammalleri: To the phone room!

COMMERCIAL!

The scene re-opens to outside the sports complex in Brossard. Paramedics lift a stretchered Gauthier into the back of their Ambulance while the whole team watches from a few feet away.

Brian Gionta: So….who did it?

Scott Gomez: Not me, I haven’t taken a shot since 1988!

Mike Cammalleri: Me neither, a shot from me would have exploded his brain.

Hal Gill: I don’t think I can shoot that hard…

Brian Gionta: Well, nobody is going to admit it…but it was 100% one of us! We’ll have to work together to find out which one of us will go to jail…

Tomas Plekanec: That’s a massive conflict of interest.

Brian Gionta: It works in those Agatha Christie books.

The entire team looks at the camera.

Brian Gionta: Oh come on…as if you didn’t know already!

Jeff Halpern: Ahem.

Mathieu Darche: Ahem Ahem.

The team turns to Halpern and Darche.

Jeff Halpern: I believe we can be of assistance.

Mathieu Darche: We are the most educated members of the team, we could lead the investigation.

Carey Price: Why are you talking with British accents?

Alex Auld: And where did you get those cool Sherlock Holmes outfits?

Benoit Pouliot: And why was I not included in this!?

Jeff Halpern: You can continue being the blubbering sidekick!

Mathieu Darche: And how!

Mike Cammalleri: Why are we even bothering to find out who did it? He was a dick and he got what was coming to him!

Josh Gorges: Sounds like you’re trying to divert attention from the fact that you did it!

Mike Cammalleri: You’re just trying to peg the attention on me! You probably did it!

Travis Moen: Additional comment that you usually hear when these things happen!

Jeff Halpern: Brilliant deductions chaps, but I think a more investigate is required!

Mathieu Darche: Quite right, quite right.

Brian Gionta: I agree, someone here is guilty, and I’m not leaving here until we find out who it is!

Scott Gomez: We have a game later.

Lars Eller: It’s Nashville, they’ll lose on their own.

Everyone laughs.

Lars Eller: Wow, I have value!

P.K. Subban: Upstage me again and I’ll shoot a puck at you!…not that I’ve ever done that before to anyone especially not 20 minutes ago. I saved myself pretty good there!

Mathieu Darche: Righto!

Dramatic music begins to play as the camera quickly shifts from player to player, each of them with a suspicious look on his face.

Who shot Pierre Gauthier? Tune in next week for Part II!

End Credits roll!