by Mike, AllHabs.net

The Scene opens to show a fancy restaurant, somewhere in Old Montreal. Waiters in tuxedos can be seen carrying plates of extravagant foods and fine wines. A light and airy classical tune can be heard wafting in the air as the camera pans to the back room of the restaurant where we find the entire Montreal Canadiens roster enjoying a massive meal.

Brian Gionta is standing at the head of a long rectangular table; he is standing and holding a glass of red wine.

Brian Gionta: Quiet Please….quiet everyone…can I have your attention?

Nobody pays attention, the team continues to talk amongst themselves.

Brian Gionta: YOU’VE BEEN TRADED FOR ALEX KOVALEV!

Rest of team: GASP!

Brian Gionta: Thank you for your attention…I just wanted to officially we-

P.K. Subban: Did I really get traded?!

Brian Gionta: No I-

P.K. Subban: Oh thank god…Ottawa is boring as hell.

Brian Gionta: Well…true, but I just wanted to wel-

Andrei Kostitsyn: I trade?

Brian Gionta: No!

Andrei Kostitsyn: Tank God…I hyav beeznees here.

Brian Gionta: Great…wait what business?

Andrei Kostitsyn: Noting. All legal.

Roman Hamrlik: Will you shut up?

Andrei Kostitsyn: Sorry sir.

Brian Gionta: NOBODY GOT TRADED! I just want to welcome everyone to the official Rookie dinner, this is an annual tradition that has all the Habs rookies buy dinner for the vets…last year we had a ton of us so the bill was pretty light on our pockets…but this year I think it’s just…Auld, Halpern, Eller…and Boyd right?

Dustin Boyd: Actually, I got waived.

Brian Gionta: Eff off!

Dustin Boyd: I swear….not happy about it.

Brian Gionta: But you have the same amount of goals as Gomez…and make like…a shitload less money than him!

Scott Gomez: Hey!

Rest of team: Shut up Scott.

Dustin Boyd: Yeah, I don’t get it…maybe they have a trade in the works or something…but I’m technically not a Hab anymore.

Brian Gionta: Well then I think you should get the eff out.

Mike Cammalleri: Yeah, the eff out.

Dustin Boyd: Are you serious?

Brian Gionta: Yeah…Habs only.

Mike Cammalleri: Habs only.

Dustin Boyd: But I was in camp with you guys, you guys hazed me…I’ve played like ten games with you guys.

Brian Gionta: You were scratched for like 7 of them.

Mike Cammalleri: Yeah, 7.

Brian Gionta: Mike I’m the Captain, I’m the Emcee, we went through this.

*Cuts to talking head*

Mike Cammalleri: That son of a bitch. I think that C stands for “*BEEEEEP*”….Can I say that on TV?

*cuts back to scene*

Brian Gionta: Seriously Justin, get the eff out.

Dustin Boyd: Dustin.

Brian Gionta: Whatever.

Jeff Halpern: So, It’s just me, Eller and Auld on the bill tonight?

Brian Gionta: Yes.

Alex Auld: With these two dozen lobsters and thirty filet mignons?

Brian Gionta: Yes.

Jeff Halpern: I just got waived.

Alex Auld: Me too.

Lars Eller: Me three.

*Cuts to opening credits!*

The camera cuts back in to show the same dinner. The Canadiens are all eating and talking amongst themselves. The camera focuses on their conversation.

Hal Gill: I know you did something to the food.

P.K. Subban: I swear I didn’t.

Hal Gill: You always prank me. You’ve humiliated me countless times. I’m not falling for it.

P.K. Subban: So you’re not going to eat?

Hal Gill: No, you poisoned the food or something like that.

P.K. Subban: I don’t do food. I do everything else, I super-glued your pants to you chair actually…but I don’t do food.

Gill tries to stand up. He can’t.

Hal Gill: You bastard!

P.K. Subban: Don’t you just hate me?! But I told you…I don’t do food.

Hal Gill: Well…I still don’t trust you…eat my food to prove it to me!

P.K. Subban: Fine!

P.K. takes a big piece of Gill’s steak and swallows it without hesitation. He appears to be fine.

Hal Gill: Well, I guess it’s alright.

P.K. Subban: See?

Gill cuts himself a piece of steak and begins to chow down.

Hal Gill: Wow, this is really goo-

*He passes out.*

Andrei Markov: So you did spike his food.

P.K. Subban: Yes.

Andrei Markov: But you ate the spiked food.

P.K. Subban: Yes I di-

*He passes out*

*Cuts to talking head*

P.K. Subban: So worth it.

*Cuts back to scene*

Andrei Markov looks at both of his fallen teammates for a few seconds before helping himself to P.K.’s food.

The Camera moves over a few seats.

Jaroslav Spacek: So you’re telling me it’s 100% natural, there won’t be any side effects and it’s legal in Canada?

Josh Gorges: Yeah, I know a lot of guys your age who use it, they love it! It increases their performance ten fold!

Jaroslav Spacek: Wow! That sounds incredible, my wife is going to be so happy.

Roman Hamrlik: I’ll bet!

Jaroslav Spacek: And Martin will love it too!

Josh Gorges: Yeah.

Roman Hamrlik: What!??!

Jaroslav Spacek: What?

Roman Hamrlik: Why would Martin like it…that’s disgusting!

Jaroslav Spacek: What do you think we’re talking about?

Roman Hamrlik: Viagra?

Josh Gorges: Dude….

Jaroslav Spacek: Dude…

Roman Hamrlik: Dude?

Jaroslav Spacek: We’re talking about a muscle relaxant…to help my legs out after games.

Roman Hamrlik: Oh…well then…can I have some?

Josh Gorges: Dude…

The camera pans over.

Carey Price: So why do they call you the PHD line?

Jeff Halpern: Well, for the 5^th time…P stands for Pouliot, H stands for Halpern, and D atsnads for Darche.

Carey Price: Well…why not just call it the HDP line? Or the DHP line? Or the HPD line?

Mathieu Darche: Because Halpern went to Princeton and I went to McGill.

Carey Price: Where did you go to school Benoit?

Benoit Pouliot: I went to the school of Hard Knocks.

Halpern and Darche laugh.

Carey Price: Sounds tough, where is it?

Benoit Pouliot: The Streets?

Carey Price: Woooooow!

Jeff Halpern: Yeah…get it now?

Carey Price: Not at all.

Mathieu Darche: Jesus.

Carey Price: We’re calling me that again?

Jeff Halpern: PHD, you know…like a Doctor? PHD line, we went to good schools, last names…double entendre?

Carey Price: You know I don’t speak French.

Benoit Pouliot: Just forget it.

Carey Price: OK! What were we talking about?

Mathieu Darche: Mon Dieux.

Carey Price: Again…no French.

We enter in to another conversation.

Scott Gomez: So how do you do it?

Tomas Plekanec: What do you mean?

Scott Gomez: Earn your contract…you’re so good at it!

Tomas Plekanec: I just go out there and try my best to do what’s best for the team.

Scott Gomez: I don’t follow.

Tomas Plekanec: Well, I use my god given talent to go out there and play good Hockey. I make good decisions, I position myself well, I generate scoring chances, I am strong defensively, I use my line-mates effectively…

Scott Gomez: I didn’t understand like ¾ of what you just said.

Tomas Plekanec: I know you didn’t Scott. How about I try to help you over the next few weeks…

Scott Gomez: It’s not like I don’t try! I weave through the neutral zone and then everything gets really hazy.

Tomas Plekanec: It’s OK Scott, we’ll work together, you’ll get your groove back.

Scott Gomez: Like Stella?

Tomas Plekanec: Yes Scott….like Stella.

The scene fades out, and then fades in to show the Canadiens getting up from the table and leaving. P.K. and Hal are still passed out in their seats. A curious Lars Eller walks up to Hal Gill’s plate, looks around for witnesses and scoops up the steak with a fork and begins to devour it.

After a few seconds he collapses to the ground.

Mike Cammalleri walks past his three passed out teammates, he notices the piece of steak lying next to Lars Eller.

Mike Cammalleri: Ooo.. Floor steak!

End Credits roll!