Written by Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane, Special to AllHabs.net
TORONTO, ON. — “Le but de Canadien a compte par numero soisante-quinze, Abs goal scored by number 75, Hal “De Thrill” Gill”!!!!” I listened to it on my computer, via TSN 990 Radio and it brought back memories of Claude Mouton and his signature calls. Why didn’t those 21,273 on hand do a mass “Tebowing” for the U-Tube crowd? Ya know, if the Toronto subway “coitus couple” can get their “score” on it worldwide, then why can’t “Flash” Gill? A well-aimed shot at opposing net, with “velocity and accuracy” at the speed of sound………speed of the Canadian Senate, but that does not make the never mind, eh? Now, finally will Jacques “Monsieur Sominex” let “Flash” take the odd shootout turn? Couldn’t be worse than the extremely, non-chalant effort taken by “Calamari” last week vs the Canucks?
Do I have to notify Hab Nation that new defenseman Tomas Kaberle has three assists in the two games he has played……..i.e. same amount as that lukewarm “Calamari” has garnered in past three games? Don’t wanna get super critical now, but………When I first heard the news on radio last week I was studying a script for a commercial audition, and I thought I heard that Les Habs had traded Academy Award winning actress Sissy Spacek for Cab Calloway!! “HI-DEE-HI-DEE HO! HI-DEE-HI-DEE-HE……..WE BETTER SAY THE “ROSAREE”!!!
So, why did Habs management give him No. 22? Fergy! Shutt! Betcha if “Bob Lite” had anything to do with it, he would’ve given him……..hmmm……maybe a number like…….uhhhh………4.2 x 3? Ya know, like 12.6? Don’t believe that number has been used as of now, n’est-ce-pas? Oh, sorry, excuse me, he did give him 12.6, didn’t he? Leaf Iatollah Burke said Tomas was “soft”, even softer than a roll of Cottonelle! “softer” than the antidote for a Viagra/Cialis overdose! Now that’s soft, hmmm…….. maybe even softer than a old Montreal Forum “steamee” hot-dog bun!! (and that was a fabulous soft, eh?)
Don’t we all just love those fourth liners after last nite vs the Isles? Petteri “Nickelodeon” Nokelainen, “Pas de Starche” Darche, and Lars “Ol Yellar” Eller? Add up those three pay cheques, eh? maybe, just maybe, one third of currently “injured” U-KNOW-WHO!!!! (not to mention other $5-6M per annum “stars” stipends.) And, another thing, why can’t Cite de Montreal throw a parade for Hal “The Thrill” this Friday, albeit not a Coupe Stanley Parade, but a smaller version, perhaps start at Woody’s, then over to Winnie’s…….but! pas d’arret au Chez Paree, eh? We have to play les Diablos on Saturday night!!
One of the other negatives regarding this Kaberle trade is that this is his fourth team in only 10 months! Tabernooche! fourth teams in 10 months! Even Kim Kardashian can’t go through that many “teams” in just 10 months! I mean, there’s only the NBA, NFL, MLB, MLS…….what? she doesn’t do NHL guys? Oh, maybe she’s just upset that the NHL named a game misconduct penalty after her? Ya know, “3rd man in”? Also checked out the word desperation in Webster’s, all I saw was a 4 x 5 of “Bob Lite”, with an explanation: person who deals to save his job and that of his coach.
Starting to really dig Puck the Bunny and his picks; don’t laugh already, he’s (it is a he?) made me a winner on my PRO-LINE recently! Actually I was amazed that ALL HABS used a bunny, ya know, they could’ve used a “sacrificial lamb” like Perry Pearn, eh? Wasn’t he available?
Meanwhile,in the “Centre of the Universe” (AKA Toronto) cable conglomerates Bell & Rogers have teamed up (ya know, like The Corleones and The Rigatones?) to purchase 75 per cent of MLSE, which is, Leafs, Raptors, Blue Jays, Marlies, the soccer team (name?) exclusive condos, bars & restuarants, etc….maybe even “CNN” Tower? My “inside” sources tell me that they might even change the Maple Leaf name to something else that is appropo to their business…….how bout The Maple Cables, Leaf Nation?
Just imagine, rest of Canada, we in Toronto are very lucky; ya see when we get our telephone and cable bill every month we also get the chance to get the “pitches” for season’s tickets, team jerseys, hats, coffee mugs, etc…. they will also get first dibs on the first NHL expansion team on the recently discovered planet, Keppler -22B. Whew! at 660 trillion miles away, guess those road trips will be a little longer than usual?
Maybe that’s why Leaf Nationites were walking around downtown Toronto like Michael Jackson “Thirller” zombies last Saturday nite; ya see, there was NO LEAF GAME ON!!!! HNIC went to Ottawa for a game with the Sens and Canucks, complete with the inevitable shots of the Rideau Canal with locals skating on it…….so what? I remember the late 70’s when Guy, Larry, Serge, Scotty et als used to “walk” on the Rideau……..in July and August!!! Some of the Leaf “zombies” went overboard by turning over to their Leaf Channel 414…….just to watch old kinescope hi-lites of their last Stanley Cup victory in 1967……or was it 1867? And, what really pissed me off was that there was no OPP Sgt. Slewidge to sing O’ Canada at the Sens game! *&^%$#*&^@!!
The good news? Habs have won two straight, Hal “the Thrill” Gill is on a scoring streak, Carey Price still keeping us in game after game after game, our power-play is stepping up…….well, aren’t we now up to about 12-13 per cent? One more thing, when I called Lars Eller “Ol Yellar” I was referring to his hair, not his heart.
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Your correspondent Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane is a professional comedian/slash/comedy writer/slash/producer/slash/after-dinner speaker (end of slashes, and it’s about time!!) “Frenchie” also runs The Comedy Pro Shop Agency in Toronto and is available along with his top comedy pals for all “live” events, golf tournaments, sports celeb. dinners, roasts, corp. Xmas parties, etc……(www.frenchiemcfarlane.bravehost.com)