by Rookie, All Habs

MONTREAL, QC — Like many hockey fans, I’ve always got an eye out for merchandise that might interest me. I like finding, say, a T-shirt that I can wear again and again or a card with some emotional value. You may have read my previous post on hockey cards. However, I prefer coming across bad merchandise. Whether it’s tacky, badly designed, or just plain inappropriate, I find more entertainment value in ugly hockey merchandise than I do in most of the stuff I buy.

These next two gems might just be the worst I’ve ever found. But, oddly enough, neither of them are made for Habs fans. I’ve seen Canadiens logos on just about everything, so topping that is quite an accomplishment. Good work, rest of the NHL.

First, a treat for the gentlemen, if I can use that term very loosely. Thanks to Puck Daddy, I think I may have found the tackiest fan item of all: the Fake Tattoo Sleeve.

Yes, someone at Shop NHL walked into a Halloween costume store, saw one of those tattoo sleeves that usually come with “I’m A Motorcycle Builder Who Cheated On His Movie-Star Wife” costumes, and decided it was a must-have for hockey fans. Lucky for us, the Canadiens have been spared the nylon body art treatment. You just know that the one jerk who’d actually buy one would sit behind you at the Bell Centre, burp during the national anthems, and spill beer on you at regular intervals. He would probably just have bought the sleeve as a placeholder, while saving up for a full-colour tattoo portrait of Patrick Roy riding a unicorn, holding a goalie stick that’s been modified to look like an executioner’s axe. Lucky for us, That One Montreal Jerk didn’t get his wish for a fake tattoo sleeve to go with his Ed Hardy T-shirt and camouflage Habs cap. But, there might just be a guy in Detroit who’s in the market for a fake Red Wings tattoo.

Maybe That One Detroit Jerk has a girlfriend, and she’s also a class act. But, poor girl, the fake tattoo sleeve is just a little too loose on her puny arm. She still needs something extra-special to show the world how much she loves hockey. Lucky for her, I know just the thing.

This T-shirt is a nightmare, I know. There are so many things going on that once you see it, you can’t unsee it. I suppose it’s very useful in some situations. What if someone asks you what Zetterberg’s face looks like, and what his autograph looks like, and is he red hot? Without this T-shirt, you’d have a lot of work on your hands. Luckily, there’s a designer out there who combined all those elements, surrounded them by fire, and put them on a pink T-shirt. Female hockey fans should all pitch in and build a monument to whoever this designer is. And then burn it.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to find anything more ridiculous than either of these, but I will definitely keep looking and share whatever I come across. I just hope I don’t see anyone buying it.